Kick a man when he’s down…

This is a letter we got form SAM’s therapist. I am so glad I have grown enough to write him back and tell him how I felt. A year or so ago I would of just cried.  It is shocking that all the support goes out to the perpetrator and not the victims. I have had to fight for support for my victimized children, even with me fighting it is minimal.

Mr. Jake,

I attempted to make contact with you twice this weekend and have not heard back from you.  I am attempting to make contact with you to discuss your want or lack of want to be a part of your Son SAM’S Treatment process.  I obtained permission from you for SAM to write you.  He has sent 2 letters, and has yet to hear anything in return.  Part of SAM’s treatment process is rebuilding the trust lost within the family.  My opinion, and proven previous treatment shows higher success rate with the involvement of the parents. 

Right now I understand your family is hurting…but SAM is your Son and he is hurting as well.  You are the single most important person to him.  He has been struggling lately with the fact that you have not responded to his letters, or even tried to call him.  So…what he is asking is for something…a “I don’t want to talk to you”, a “screw off”, something, so that he can at least not sit here and hope. 

Can you please let me know if you will be available to participate in Sam’s CPM Monday April 2nd at 1500 Alaska time. 

McLaughlin Youth Center

 my response back……

Mr. _____,
When my husband and I read your letter we were blown away. It was so unprofessional and inappropriate.

Number one, we know SAM is our son. That is one of the hardest parts for us. We don’t only ache for our three little ones, but we ache for SAM. Who do you think you are with the, “your son SAM”?  You know nothing about the hell we have been through and the hell we live every day raising traumatized children, SAM’S victims . You are not up with our little ones with night terrors. You are not dealing with our beautiful 12yr old daughter who is developing a eating disorder because of what SAM did. Don’t try and minimize our pain with the, “Right now I understand your family is hurting but”. You have no idea.

Number two, SAM writes me one letter and my husband one Letter and we are supposed to jump? He gave up the right to be #1 when he sexually abused and terrorized 3 of our other children for 2 1/2 – 3 years.  You expect SAM to be our priority?  Seriously?  We think about SAM everyday but our number one priority is to get our victimized children the help they need along with ourselves.  We would much rather our family be whole. SAM chose to destroy it.  He doesn’t get to call the shots. We have to make our priority picking up the pieces he left behind.

Number three, my husband  is the number one most important person in SAM”S life? What a joke.  Right before SAM got kicked out of his last treatment center I received a 4 page letter from SAM where he stated the reason he abused the kids was because of my husband having more kids. He also told me “god” doesn’t give the kids anything they couldn’t handle.  God didn’t do this to my kids, SAM did.

Number four, After we got SAM’s letters we were very impressed with the honesty.  It is the first time in years we have seen honesty from him.  We raised SAM and know the constant games and manipulation he can play.  So,we have every right to be a little skeptical.  This could be just another one of SAM’S angles to get sympathy, especially because he had a completely different angle at the last treatment.  It takes more than one letter to start building trust.

Number five, We have the right to heal at the speed WE choose, not the speed SAM chooses.

Number six, You have no idea what is going on with us in our home.  Our 8yr old had brain surgery a week after we received the letters. He was in Primary Children’s Hospital for a week. He underwent one of the two most painful surgeries that they see in their Neuro Science Trauma Unit.  We have been back and forth between here and Utah for him to see the neurosurgeon for the last couple of months.  He is still recovering at home. We have been dealing with SAM”S older brother who we had to ask leave if he couldn’t respect boundaries. Up until Freddy left he was seeing two therapist a week and our Bishop once a week. He is struggling with sexual addictions, stealing, compulsive lying, OCD, and depression. Just getting him to therapy was a part time job in itself. Jake just started a new job. Douglas and Mary both had a birthday in March. Douglas is getting Baptized and
Mary went to the Temple for the first time last week. These are all things we would love to share with SAM but they are his victims so we struggle with what is appropriate to talk to him about. I have started to write SAM probably 100 times and just sit there and cry. This is a battle we deal with and we will write SAM in our time frame, not yours not SAM’S.

Number seven, “your want or lack of want to be a part of your Son SAM’S Treatment process”.  It has nothing to do with “want”.  We want our family back.  We want all our kids to be okay.  We want to be able to say SAM’s name without feeling like dying.  We wish we could speed the healing process up and get to a peaceful place but we can’t.

Number eight, “SAM is your Son and he is hurting as well”.  SAM is
hurting because of HIS choices.  The rest of us are hurting because of HIS choices. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and stop having easily manipulated people in his life to feel sorry for him.

My major is in Social Work. I showed your email to two very experienced therapist/professors. They both thought it to be unprofessional & uneducated. One therapist commented it was the single most hateful letter she has seen written to a parent.

My husband and I have a lot of love for SAM. We wont let your lack of judgment stop us from reaching out to him when WE are ready. I will however, expect an apology from you and will be forwarding your email to your superiors.
Thank you,

His Response

Leah and Jake,
I am sooooo sorry.  I read your response yesterday and it hurt me to read about what you all are going through, and that I offended you and Jake the way that I did.  You are absolutely right about the fact I did not take yours and Jake’s feelings into consideration.  It’s not that that was my purpose or intention at all, but I just didn’t put myself in your shoes when I wrote it, and for that I am DEEPLY sorry.  I have re-read what I wrote a hundred times.  Each time I read it, I can understand more and more where you and Jake are coming from.  I understand that I was coming off as unprofessional, inconsiderate, and having no empathy toward your family.  I have two children of my own and I cant even imagine what you and Jake are going through.  PLEASE give me the opportunity to apologize to you in a phone call.  You are absolutely right that I owe you the utmost sincere apology.  I do feel that I have basically re-victimized you and Jake here, and that is not settling well with me.  My lack of empathy toward your family has me feeling so sad.
I am on my weekend at the moment and I am back to work at 3:00 pm on Friday, and I will be in all day on Saturday from 7am until 11pm.  I just could not wait until Friday to respond to you.  I would like the opportunity to apologize to you and Jeff, and hopefully you can forgive me for not taking yours, Jake’s, and the rest of your family’s feelings into consideration.  Again I am soooo deeply sorry.

6 thoughts on “Kick a man when he’s down…

  1. I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your family!! You are so right. If SAM has any chance of healing, he needs to start taking accountability feeling the weight of what he has done, not just to a family, but potentially starting an abusive cycle that could go on hurting and destroying for generations. So are so brave for taking a stand, forcing your eyes open no matter how painful, in order to break your family free of this devastating cycle! And teaching a professional therapist to boot!🙂 Facilitating the healing of your family who are the innocent victims comes FIRST.

    When I check Fred into treatment yesterday, I had the rare opportunity to speak for at length with the psychiatrist there. I told her of the struggles we’ve had in advocating for ourselves. She told me that it’s called “punishing the victims”. I thought of how right she was and how it made breaking away from the cycle even more difficult. Everyone likes having a “guy down” to dump all their guilt and anger on, might as well, he is already down. But they think twice about kicking a healthy lioness defending her young. There is a time to nurse your wounds, and a time to standfun for yourself. Stay on your feet! I’m standing right there with you, along with all the new genuine friends you are making.

  2. I am so glad you were able to articulate such a good response despite such hurt and anger!

    I am sickened by those that continue to support and believe the person who abused.


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