We are women of faith who have had our children sexually assualted by someone we love. We are tired of hiding. We are tired of being mis-judged, condemed, and questioned. This is our personal holocaust, and we wanted someone to know. Most of all, we wanted to reach out to others who may be stuggling with a similar issue alone. We’ll add applicable links and resources as we stumble across them. We pray that you will never know how it feels to walk in our shoes, but that you will have the compassion and drive as if you had.
Kick a man when he’s down…
This is a letter we got form SAM’s therapist. I am so glad I have grown enough to write him back and tell him how I felt. A year or so ago I would of just cried. It is shocking that all the support goes out to the perpetrator and not the victims. I have had to fight for support for my victimized children, even with me fighting it is minimal.
Mr. Jake,
I attempted to make contact with you twice this weekend and have not heard back from you. I am attempting to make contact with you to discuss your want or lack of want to be a part of your Son SAM’S Treatment process. I obtained permission from you for SAM to write you. He has sent 2 letters, and has yet to hear anything in return. Part of SAM’s treatment process is rebuilding the trust lost within the family. My opinion, and proven previous treatment shows higher success rate with the involvement of the parents.
Right now I understand your family is hurting…but SAM is your Son and he is hurting as well. You are the single most important person to him. He has been struggling lately with the fact that you have not responded to his letters, or even tried to call him. So…what he is asking is for something…a “I don’t want to talk to you”, a “screw off”, something, so that he can at least not sit here and hope.
Can you please let me know if you will be available to participate in Chris’s CPM Monday April 2nd at 1500 Alaska time.
McLaughlin Youth Center
my response back……
Mr. _____,
When my husband and I read your letter we were blown away. It was so unprofessional and inappropriate.
Number one, we know SAM is our son. That is one of the hardest parts for us. We don’t only ache for our three little ones, but we ache for SAM. Who do you think you with the “your son SAM”? You know nothing about the hell we have been through and the hell we live every day raising traumatized children, SAM’S victims . You are not up with our little ones with night terrors. You are not dealing with our beautiful 12yr old daughter who is developing a eating disorder because of what SAM did. Don’t try and minimize our pain with the, “Right now I understand your family is hurting but”. You have no idea.
Number two, SAM writes me one letter and my husband one Letter and we are supposed to jump? He gave up the right to be #1 when he sexually abused and terrorized 3 of our other children for 2 1/2 – 3 years. You expect SAM to be our priority? Seriously? We think about SAM everyday but our number one priority is to get our victimized children the help they need along with ourselves. We would much rather our family be whole. SAM chose to destroy it. He doesn’t get to call the shots. We have to make our priority picking up the pieces he left behind.
Number three, my husband is the number one most important person in SAM”S life? What a joke. Right before SAM got kicked out of his last treatment center I received a 4 page letter from SAM where he stated the reason he abused the kids was because of my husband having more kids. He also told me “god” doesn’t give the kids anything they couldn’t handle. God didn’t do this to my kids, SAM did.
Number four, After we got SAM’s letters we were very impressed with the honesty. It is the first time in years we have seen honesty from him. We raised SAM’S and know the constant games and manipulation he can play. So,we have every right to be a little skeptical. This could be just another one of SAM”S angles to get sympathy, especially because he had a completely different angle at the last treatment. It takes more than one letter to start building trust.
Number five, We have the right to heal at the speed WE choose, not the speed SAM chooses.
Number six, You have no idea what is going on with us in our home. Our 8yr old had brain surgery a week after we received the letters. He was in Primary Children’s Hospital for a week. He underwent one of the two most painful surgeries that they see in their Neuro Science Trauma Unit. We have been back and forth between here and Utah for him to see the neurosurgeon for the last couple of months. He is still recovering at home. We have been dealing with SAM”S older brother who we had to ask leave if he couldn’t respect boundaries. Up until Freddy left he was seeing two therapist a week and our Bishop once a week. He is struggling with sexual addictions, stealing, compulsive lying, OCD, and depression. Just getting him to therapy was a part time job in itself. Jeff just started a new job. Douglas and Mary both had a birthday in March. Douglas is getting Baptized and
Mary went to the Temple for the first time last week. These are all things we would love to share with SAM but they are his victims so we struggle with what is appropriate to talk to him about. I have started to write SAM probably 100 times and just sit there and cry. This is a battle we deal with and we will write SAM in our time frame, not yours not SAM”S.
Number seven, ” your want or lack of want to be a part of your Son SAM’S Treatment process”. It has nothing to do with “want”. We want our family back. We want all our kids to be okay. We want to be able to say SAM’s name without feeling like dying. We wish we could speed the healing process up and get to a peaceful place but we can’t.
Number eight, “SAM is your Son and he is hurting as well”. SAM is
hurting because of HIS choices. The rest of us are hurting because of HIS choices. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and stop having easily manipulated people in his life to feel sorry for him.
My major is in Social Work. I showed your email to two very experienced therapist/professors. They both thought it to be unprofessional & uneducated. One therapist commented it was the single most hateful letter she has seen written to a parent.
My husband and I have a lot of love for SAM. We wont let your lack of judgment stop us from reaching out to him when WE are ready. I will however, expect an apology from you and will be forwarding your email to your superiors.
Thank you,
Leah
His Response
Leah and Jake,
I am sooooo sorry. I read your response yesterday and it hurt me to read about what you all are going through, and that I offended you and Jake the way that I did. You are absolutely right about the fact I did not take yours and Jake’s feelings into consideration. It’s not that that was my purpose or intention at all, but I just didn’t put myself in your shoes when I wrote it, and for that I am DEEPLY sorry. I have re-read what I wrote a hundred times. Each time I read it, I can understand more and more where you and Jake are coming from. I understand that I was coming off as unprofessional, inconsiderate, and having no empathy toward your family. I have two children of my own and I cant even imagine what you and Jake are going through. PLEASE give me the opportunity to apologize to you in a phone call. You are absolutely right that I owe you the utmost sincere apology. I do feel that I have basically re-victimized you and Jake here, and that is not settling well with me. My lack of empathy toward your family has me feeling so sad. I am on my weekend at the moment and I am back to work at 3:00 pm on Friday, and I will be in all day on Saturday from 7am until 11pm. I just could not wait until Friday to respond to you. I would like the opportunity to apologize to you and Jeff, and hopefully you can forgive me for not taking yours, Jake’s, and the rest of your family’s feelings into consideration. Again I am soooo deeply sorry.
Moving out!
I’ve started a new blog! Check out what I’m up to and how I’m progressing at http://gleaningthefields.com I will also continue to post and crosspost here. Leah and I wanted this blog to be a safe place for women of faith to turn to when dealing with the devastation of sexual abuse, and we will continue to maintain this blog as a jumping off point for anyone researching this subject. Thareading all who have reached out to us. Please let us know if you are interested in guest posting, or linking up to us to share your own journey.
What, Why, and How to Forgive, part one
Crosspost from Ruth: http://gleaningthefields.com/2012/04/04/forgive-part-one/
Crawling out
Autobiography In Five Short Chapters
Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
- Portia Nelson
Safety Plan
My three youngest boys were physically and sexually abused for a long time. The two youngest, most likely from infancy. We found out that one of the ways their perpetrator insured compliance was by threatening them with a knife. As a result the two younger ones seem to think that to insure they get their way, or to ensure their safety, they must resort to violence. We have put together a safety plan for them to use whenever and wherever they may feel threatened. Keep in mind that “threatened” can be as insignificant as annoyed, all the way through bullied, to being violated. My boys don’t seem to be able to distinguish the difference.
There are seven steps, like seven days of the weeks, increasing in the amount of force needed to ensure protection.
1. Say “stop”
This is where it starts. Someone is annoying them, they have the right to say “stop.” This is where it would be appropriate for them to say how they feel, if the situation calls for it.
2. Ignore, or walk away
If the person doesn’t stop, they can choose to ignore them, or simply walk away, as long as the person offending them isn’t being dangerous.
3. Get help
If the person continues to annoy them, or won’t leave them alone, then, they are allowed to seek help from authorities or other grown-ups.
4. Run to get help
Running to get help is allowed of they are scared, or the person is starting to be insistent or get aggressive. I found it interesting that my boys objected and said they are not allowed to run indoors. I had to make it very clear that they are allowed as long as they feel they are in danger or have followed the above steps. They should always run TOWARDS help instead of away from it. Like towards school, neighbors, police, Church, parents, etc.
5. Scream for help
Again, I got objections to this, but I repeated the above.
6. Fight to get away
Interestingly, fighting seems to be their first instinct, even before saying stop. I gave them permission to fight if they are doing it to get away, are in danger and/or have already tried the steps above.
7. Tell, tell, tell
We have abolished secrets in our family. Nothing good comes from secrets. The boys are to tell of the incident to anyone and everyone until they are believed and protected. They know they must never be silent regarding their fears and worries. They have a right to be validated, believed and protected.
I Chose to be a Mother…
Now I choose to continue to be a mother, even though my children are tougher than I ever imagined. Even though I didn’t choose to have them victimized, nor did I choose to have them be born with disabilities. I choose to be their mother, and continue to nurture them as much as is humanly possible. I do not choose to do this because I’m afraid of going to hell if I don’t (indeed, there are days I can’t imagine hell being much worse than what I’m currently in), nor because it is my duty, not because I worry that no one else will want them, not because society tells me to, or even because I feel guilt and regret that their abuse occurred under my own roof. I choose to be my children’s mother, because I love them. I have choices. I refuse to be a victim. I choose them.
The following is a quote from the article, “Setting Personal Boundaries” “We always have a choice. The choices may seem to be awful – but in reality, allowing ourselves to buy into the illusion that we are trapped will have worse consequences in the long run. It may seem ridiculous to suggest that a parent can abandon or give a child up for adoption – but owning our choices no matter how outrageous is a step in owning responsibility for being co-creators in our life. If we are blaming and being the victim we will never be happy.”
Brain Damage
http://www.mosac.net/default.asp?pageid=196&deptid=1
The lack of structure of “spring break” can be oppressive. Children who are severely emotionally disturbed need structure. Children with neurological deficits need structure. Coop them all up together in a small house with little to do and the fireworks go flying!
I was able to secure a sitter for the younger boys and decided to treat myself and go paint with friends. (I used to be an artist before all this mess ground career to a near halt.) I
got a ride from a good friend, she is a young mom of a six and four-year-old. She brought the kids with her, and we descended on the studio of a fellow artist and friend with enthusiasm and vigor. We painted for a good five hours. My friend’s children interrupted her two or three times after about three and a half hours of playing nicely together. Their interruptions were so tame in comparison to cacophony my own children create. On the ride home (about 30 min.) her angelic children chatted quietly in the back seat with us and each other. I was amazed! No crying, fighting, tantrums! No blood, no foul, they didn’t even make a mess!! I’ve known these kiddos for several years, they are the epitome of normalcy and the functional family. They are happy and well adjusted. They get tired, sometimes fight and cry and pout, but on such a mild undisruptive level, that I hardly pick them up on my radar. They seem right on target developmentally.
The experience really made me think, why are my kids so different?? I have two that are in the autism spectrum, three in the ADD spectrum, all with sensory and develop motor coordination deficits (that means they are loud and often clumsy), three are aggressive, all are impulsive, throw in a little dyslexia and learning disabilities, equals none of my four beloved boys are very successful socially, or particularly easy to raise. Why is it that four out of four came out with neurological deficits? Statistically, that is unlikely. While I thought I understood the negative effects of the three younger’s long-term, severe abuse, I couldn’t understand why all of them have organic disabilities. I believe there is a familial genetic component, but all of them? One, two, or maybe even three out of four is much more likely than 100%?? The fourth paragraph of this article hit me in the face, “The damage impacts the child’s social skills, impulsivity, and aggression.” I can’t think of any other words better describe the boys’ behavioral problems.
The effects of trauma and stress are so real, they caused permanent brain damage! It’s sad and scary, but it’s also so validating. There is good reason my boys are different. Now if we could just figure out how to healthily cope and provide appropriate accommodations and supports for their often invisible disabilities. Would it be easier if they were missing limbs?
